Page 46 - Phonebox Magazine December 2009

THE PIBWORTH COLUMN
It’s Panto Time Again! – December 2009
As an occasional Panto writer I had this really good idea. I was going to write a brand new one called ‘Parliament – The Panto.’ I thought, well it is the closest to a panto that I’ve ever seen in real life so why not?
It starts off where the good folk of Great Britain live in a reasonably happy world where they make their own decisions and choose their own masters. However we then introduce a scallywag called Mr EU (Les Dawson), who has promises of more wealth and happiness if they just sign a little piece of paper. (But on the condition they don’t read it.) Most of the good townsfolk are not as stupid as it seems and only horribly dishonest people with vested interests think it a good idea.
The political masters, Mr Lab (Ian Carmichael), Mr Lib (Arthur Askey) and Mr Con (Terry- Thomas) all promise that they will let the good burghers of the country decide, but gradually we realise that Mr Lab is really in cahoots with Mr EU, and Mr Lib is only there to do slapstick comedy and make us laugh, so everything hinges on Mr Con being the only person who will help, against all odds, the public. The twist at the end comes when Mr Con turns out to be equally dishonest as all the others and lives up to his name, and the good folk live unhappily ever after, paying for Mr EU and his
pals to live the high life. And this of course is where the panto idea falls to pieces. You can’t write a panto with every principle player being a villain, and where the chorus line have absolutely no input into the story, so I threw it away and went to the Bedford Corn Exchange where I am directing Dick Whittington with general merriment, songs and a jolly good helping of rough and tumble to take our minds off the real pantomime that is being played out on the larger stage.
One good thing to come out of this is that it no longer matters which political party gets in. The major decisions, and a good deal of minor ones, are now made in Europe, so our elected MP’s are no more than a glorified parish council with little say over our lives, and their main ambition is to deny us any say in anything and fleece us for the time they’re in the Commons, and end up with either an unelected job in Europe where they will wield some power, or a seat in the Lords, where the likes of ex Mr Speaker Michael Martin, and Jeffrey Archer end their illustrious careers.
So the best thing to do is to join them if possible. You need no qualifications, no policies and no morals. You need a £500 deposit and the MK Council will tell you exactly how to go about standing as an MP.
Or I will if you want it in understandable terms. The turnout will be so low that anyone can be in with a shot.
The other good thing from some people’s point of view is that I no longer feel any need to write seriously about British politics. No point now.
Yes, I’m back to my old stamping ground with the Monster Raving Loony Party. I’m still their champion for coming up with the policy of a 99p coin to cut out the need for totally useless pennies. It’s the only Loony policy that had major press coverage. (The Sun Newspaper had a full page on it at the last election.)
Well, that’s that then. No more serious politics. Pheew!
Just a little news item to end on. The celebrations for the 20th anniversary fall of the Berlin Wall occurred last month. Jolly good too. (Beware politicians - the masses always rise up and win in the end.) Anyway the band U2 decided to put on a concert in Berlin to celebrate this great achievement. To stop those who hadn’t paid for tickets from seeing the concert do you know what they did? You’ve guessed haven’t you? They erected a wall. Mmmm, very ‘Cry Freedom’.
See you next month. David Pibworth
46 Phonebox Magazine