Page 33 - Phonebox Magazine August 2011

HAVE YOUR SAY
Letters
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Hallo Ron
Why do people take nasty swipes in print and why don’t they own up? Are they sniggering under their cloth caps? Or sniffing regally beneath their velvet snoods?
Anyrode, there isn’t much wrong with living in Olney. It’s big enough (even in mice miles) for variety and small enough to feel neighbourly (“Oh lawdie, not ‘er again!”)
Old towns and villages that grew up in North Bucks - and in hundreds of other bits of the world - are well- loved and pretty much permanently inhabited so must have some pull.
The trouble with new towns is they’re push: political constructs, not houses that Jack built, but a Magnificent Metropolis good burghers of Labour, or Tory, or Lib Dem and their architects and town planners decide to impose on otherwise perfectly OK stretches of meadows, woods, farmland and existing settlements. But, hey, as they say (or is it hay, as it’s countryside?) we need homes, so...
Nah, nah, guv, don’t get me wrong, I like Minnty Keoles* (just don’t often go). I love showing off to ‘outsiders’ the superb logic of the grid road system; I love opportunity to see David Suchet and Patrick Stewart without going up to that there Lonnon; I love the parks, the cathedral of trees, the Pagoda, the Bowl, yea! And sometimes even go shopping in The Centre. Ooh, how racy an activity is that for a scabby old country bumpkin in a rescue shawl? Though I confess (as if it matters) I prefer to dispense my pension into the tills of ever-growing ranks of charity shops and our lovely local Co-op, so they can recycle income for the good of all humanity, not for the greed of a few.
We’ve just been to Cirencester, a very old town indeed, imposed on Celts by Romans (see, they’ve always been at it). I prepped by listing their charity shops, in case I tired of rolling Cotswold countryside, Arts & Crafts houses in soft and buttery stone, 11th century abbeys and churches, ridiculously photogenic villages, astonishing artefacts, their delightful museum...
You always need options, man - and I got a great pair of jeans and a Zara jacket.
Anyrode,
Ann of Olney (15y), previously Turvey, N London, Nhampton, Dudley (WMids, not lovely Northumberland) Kingswinford, Dudley again, Kingswinford again, Dudley another
time and finally - actually firstly - Sedgley, which my mother insisted I always put as my place of birth because it was, but it’s only a bit of Gornal, where we still speak dialect as old and chuckly as Chaucer’s.
Oh go on then, let’s have one more shout - Is a bumpkin related to a pumpkin? They’re generally both rotund I think, or is that a firkin? Do we have a linguistics professor within the vicinity? Can we set up a school of whining, bellyaching, swiping, sneering and general crudcrubling. Perhaps in a centralish sort of areation. Surely (such a good word for control freaks) there’s no need for more suprmkts, frocks, haircuts, pubs, restaurants and takeaways. No wonder people sneer! But we definitely need more parking, eh? Whenever was a law passed that it’s OK to park on pavements if ‘there isn’t anywhere else’ ?! Well, REALLY!!! Swish & out.
*Myti Lo Knnees if you’re east of the M1.
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Phonebox Magazine 33